Last night I couldn’t sleep. Gatlin was listening to music in the other room and I settled onto the couch to watch infomercials as it was almost 1am. There was Ronco trying to sell me a slicer/dicer (it also does windows!), there was a machine that would give 
me rock hard abs and incredible boobs and a larger penis for only 6 minutes a day. and then I came across the Rev. Danny “Business in the front, party in the back” Davis. And he wanted to give me a special vial of magic anointed oil that would keep evil out of my house. It even had an original name: “No Evil Oil”. Someone must have been writing during the strike.
According to his program, the Magic miracle oil would “Break Witchcraft Spirits” (have you met a witch with a broken spirit? they are DOWNERS! don’t invite them to your party)
“Rebuke the Poverty Devil” (He needs to be rebuked, he’s been sleeping on my couch for a month now. I feel bad because he got dumped and fired on the same day. But i mean he’s a Devil…such a dilemma)
“Anoint for Protection” (apparently if you anoint yourself with this magic miracle oil, you’ll be invincible!)
But wait, you ask, what makes the oil so special?
Well, somebody prayed over it for 17 days. No, i’m serious.
Though, to his credit, he doesn’t ask you upfront for money for the oil, it’s free. But you are encouraged to give money in order to help him maintain his fierce mullet look.
I lament the fact that there is no “Better Business Bureau” for preachers. They can lie, cheat, and trick people all they want, and we call it religious freedom. I mean, hell, if scientologists can sell you “programs” in order to rid you of alien bits infesting your body, then this guy can push some bullshit red canola oil to bring you money, keep depressed witches from coming to your party, and get that lazy ass poverty devil from smoking all your weed and eating your cheetos. (Yes, but can it slice, dice and do windows?)
When people ask me if i believe there is a God, I tell them this: “Of course there is a God! and may he strike me dead if I’m wrong.”
