Oh! I am is FULL!…lol Did you all enjoy your turkeys, yams, and hometown tricks this holiday? I know I did. Yum! Some of the things I had on my plate they didn’t have at the first Thanksgiving, I can tell you that!
Well, now that the bird is bones, it’s time to put up the tree and fight tons of middle-aged white women in department stores. That’s right…it’s Christmas! Yes it’s time to sing the songs and share the, um….LOVE.
Yeah, that’s it! Love! I’m spending my first Christmas in my new home, and I am excited. But, there’s one thing I can’t help but wonder….will dear old Santy Claus know how to find me?! ‘Cause I’ve been an awfully good girl! I haven’t been naughty at all! Why, I haven’t even said a dirty word (on here)!
But, I am here to talk business with you, so, here are some tips to make your holidays even brighter!
1.) Carollers: Ah! Is there anything more Christmas-y than a bunch of tone-deaf igmoes catterwalling outside your door? I say NO! So, when these little freaks start wailling at you, be sure to use a bucket of COLD water, not hot, to dowse them with. After all, you don’t want to scold them. Remember, Christmas is the time to think of others.
The Tree: NEVER EVER BUY YOUR TREE FROM THE BOY SCOUTS! Wal-Mart sells a lovely life like tree hydro-polymer synthetic needles with simulated trunk for a fair price! And there’s no tree mess in the floor! Besides, I hate the boy scouts. They’re all a bunch of nazi-conformists assholes! Beware, the BSA!
3.)Holiday Shopping: Now, we ALL know how hellish it is to shop at Christmas. So, to avoid those rude and grabby old twats, I have found an electric cattle prod works wonders! The prod also works for those snippy sales people that keep telling you the item you want is out of stock, but you know it’s back in the stock room. You know they’re laughing at you in their heads. They’re just hording the “Ultimate Christmas Present” for themselves! They must suffer! AHHH! Oh!…I am so sorry, I think I had an antacid flashback. Where was I? Oh yes…shopping. Well, if the prod is not your thing, brushing up on the latest WWE wrestling moves will definately get you to the head of the 4 out of 3000 check out lanes that they will have open.
4.) The Family: Even I don’t have any tips. Grin and bear it, you silly bitch!
Well, it seems we’ve come to the end of another rant. Until next time, Kids, stay safe, stay sweet, and have a very Merry Christmas!
Peace, Love, and Titties!
Mama Ashliegh Rose