Taken By Surprise
Sunday, April 6th, 2008I’m just in from a bout of much-needed gardening, preparing a bed for tomatoes and peppers. Yes, Don, I know they should have been planted two weeks ago, but Good Friday was so early this year. (Is there an emoticon for whining?)
After I pulled beaucoup weeds and even dug up a couple of small trees, I walked around to the garage to get the wheelbarrow. Our long-suffering neighbors have to live with our indifferent approach to yard work all year round. Bad enough they have to look at weeds in the beds; I wasn’t going to force them to look at piles of leafy debris unless those piles were sitting at the curb waiting for trash pickup.
Our wheelbarrow is full of pebbles that we use to fill the holes that seem to appear with some frequency in our yard. Between the depredations of two golden retrievers, the chipmunks, and the rotted stumps of trees that were mowed down to build this subdivision and have finally disintegrated — not to mention the network of mine shafts that runs all through this area — we need lots of pebbles. I moved ours aside and grasped the handles of my brother’s wheelbarrow, one he’d left here during his ongoing efforts to landscape our front yard in his spare time. There were a few things sitting in it, a cat carrier, a soccer ball, and when I moved them I found his work gloves and a couple of his tools.
Grief slips up behind me and taps me on the shoulder when I least expect it. I sobbed throughout my cleanup. I’m sobbing now.
My brother was a horticulturist, by training and experience, and he was the go-to person in the family when it came to questions about plants. Even my father, also a horticulturist (although he got his schooling growing up on a small farm in south Alabama) would go to Ken with questions. I catch myself frequently looking at a flower or tree and wondering, “What’s that?”, storing up my query to ask him later. But there is no later.
I’ve heard all I need to hear about how he’s in a better place. If there is a better place, he’s there. But I don’t want him there; I want him here. I want him to be spending time with Tony and walking the dogs and answering my questions.
Dammit, it hurts. I don’t think it will ever stop.