We’ve had a hell of a week around here. I wish I had the words to describe it; perhaps that would exorcise some of the pain. My brother’s memorial service was beautiful, a reflection of his life and work. The church was full to overflowing with family, friends, and colleagues who came to remember his dedication, his courage, his humor. His pastor, a wonderful, gifted woman who was a close friend, shared the pulpit with others who were touched by his kindness and his commitment to equality for all people. We buried his ashes in the memorial garden that he designed and helped to build.
Ken founded an organization called Equality Begins at Home, which was merged with another LGBT rights group in 2002 to form Equality Alabama. This week brought home to me the importance of that name. Equality does indeed begin at home, and when inequality persists, it is our family and friends who suffer. Everywhere Tony turned during this ordeal, he had to wait for our approval of his decisions. Thank God I could get to the hospital quickly; I had to sign the form that gave permission to release Ken’s body. When we changed our minds about which funeral home to use, I had to get on the phone and say yes before the hospital could make the change. When we made arrangements for Ken’s cremation, my mother had to sign the consent form, even though Tony was “allowed” to sign the contract for payment. Although he consulted us at every turn and knew that we would approve his decisions, he wasn’t permitted to perform the duties of a spouse — the spouse that he was and is in every sense other than legal. He, being the wonderful person that he has always been, never complained, but I found it painfully offensive and intrusive. (I do need to point out that all of the people we dealt with were sympathetic and understanding, particularly at the funeral home, but their hands were tied by legal requirements.)
Those of us who’ve read up on the subject of marriage equality have likely run across the oft-quoted statistic that marriage brings with it over 1,000 legal rights that are not granted to couples like Ken and Tony. That’s a good fact to remember, but dry numbers can’t begin to portray the reality of the experience. Yes, I know couples can take some steps to protect their interests in case of, oh, say, a medical emergency, but who exactly is going to be digging through the file cabinet looking for paperwork when the paramedics are trying to get the patient to the hospital? And it’s likely, although I can’t say so with complete certainty, that my mother or I could have walked in and taken over as “real” next of kin even if Tony had had papers in hand. We do, after all, live in Alabama.
So. If you were sitting on the fence about marriage equality — maybe you’re straight and don’t see why it’s so important, maybe you’re young and can’t foresee a sudden death or catastrophic illness, maybe you assume everything can be handled with (expensive, time-consuming, and subject to legal challenge) paperwork — it’s time to climb down on the side of justice and compassion. Speak up. Tell your friends, your co-workers, your family members. Talk to your elected representatives. Join Equality Alabama and other organizations that work for equality and justice, and donate what you can to support their work. There is strength in numbers, and even small contributions add up quickly.
Ken left us a legacy and a challenge. Equality begins at home. My home — and yours. Let’s make it a reality sooner rather than later.
****
Note: If you make a donation to Equality Alabama and designate it in memory of Ken Baker (you can do that on the online form), your gift will be used to maintain the newly-renamed Ken Baker Equality Alabama Justice Center in Montgomery. Read more about it here.
I also want to thank Zach, Liss, Pam, Blue Gal, and BAC for their lovely tributes to Ken; Tom, Danny, and Kristopher for posting condolences; and everyone who emailed or left a comment (and please let me know if I’ve missed a post).
UPDATE: Liss links to this post in Equality Matters. Alabamian links to this post in It’s Not Just an Abstract Concept. Kristopher links to it in On the Fence…, Deb links to it at Deb’s House Concerts, The Ridger links to it at The Greenbelt, and it was reprinted at Marriage Equality News and Yikes.
So sorry to hear about your loss.
Thanks, Christopher.
Kathy, are indeed a testment to your Brother’s legacy. Thank you for clarifying the issue. Although I’ve always supported marriage equality I never considered it from the point of view you raised.
Oh Kathy, I wish I could give you a hug. Y’all have had a time. But GOD welcomed a new angel when your brother went home. Let that be your comfort. God bless.
Kathy, I have met so many opinionated people that believe they understand this issue when in reality, they have no clue. I wonder if they would want their child or loved one to experience such a devastating loss by having the laws trivialize or set aside the relationship they so cherish.
I have had so little exposure to people in gay relationships. Therefore, I do not honestly understand the issues which they face.
For me the issue is simply LOVE. I cannot wrap my head around why we, as a society, cannot simply love each other enough to respect the love shared by others.
I am furious that Tony and your family had to dance the dance in order to make the arrangements for the one you all love so deeply. I am sorry that you guys are having to go through such sadness this way.
Please forgive my venting. I just feel so tired of the injustice and lack of sensitivity that so many are faced with every day.
Thanks again, everyone. Bhamhomeboy, going through this experience really opened my eyes, and I thought I was pretty enlightened already. Nothing like real life to make me see how much I don’t know. Anna, thanks for the hug. It has been a tough year. ML, don’t apologize for venting — that’s just what I was doing.
Kathy is right, Ken has left us with a challenge. And we must see it through. We do not want “special rights”, we want the same rights. I have loving and exceptional “in-laws”, who I love so much and they truely love me. But not everyone is as blessed as I, so that is why continuing the work of Ken and others is so important. I will leave you with a quote Ken made several years ago on the Alabama Judicial building steps during a press conference and rally. I have had this posted above my desk at work since he said it.
“I look forward to the day that we will think of everyone as human beings, and treat each other that way. I hope I live to see the day.” – Ken Baker
I love him and miss him deeply. He completed me.
Tony
Tony, how wonderful that you were able to experience this complete love. Many travel their entire journey not understanding this special gift. I pray for the day when the joyful memories will ease your sadness. Your Ken sounds as though he was a passionate, courageous man.
Kathy,
Thank Goddess you and your family were so loving toward Tony. I can honestly say, as I’m sure you’ve seen, it’s not always that way. I long for the day when I can introduce Patti as “my wife” and have it be for real! I ache for our gay/lesbian brothers and sisters who struggle every day to find the words to make our relationships more palatable to those around us.
Thank you for a most heart-felt and touching writing on how things have been for you all. You, Tony and the rest of the family are in our hearts and prayers.
Kathy, I don’t know if you saw this letter to the editor (from the Montgomery Advertiser):
As Steve said, it was certainly some comfort to us to think about how much good our mother did, and what an inspiration she was to others. As painful as this is for you (and I have some idea of that), I hope you and yours can take some comfort in Ken’s amazing legacy.
Thank you, Tom. Cheryl spoke at Ken’s funeral. I’m glad to see that the Advertiser published her letter. I hope his life and work will inspire others to step forward — just the way your parents’ fine example has done.
Thanks also to ML and Cindi. Tony, we love you!
Kathy, there are no words to express the sadness that surrounds this kind of loss. In reading your post I was touched by the depth of your understanding for what Tony is going through, too. I came out more than 30 years ago, and have witnessed far too many loving couples separated during a time when they needed each other the most, because of family members who refuse to accept that they are a couple.
You have beautifully explained the very reason why marriage equality is such an important issue for people who are lesbian or gay. All the decisions you made on behalf of your brother are decisions a legally recognized spouse can make — decisions that Tony should have had a legal right to make.
We need to keep sharing these stories until everyone recognizes the fundamental unfairness of denying loving, same sex couples the legal right to marry. Dr. King once said: “…the arc of the moral universe is long but it bends toward justice.”
With your permission I would like to repost your message at Yikes. And I would encourage others to do the same. I’ll be making a contribution in Ken’s name.
You, Tony, and the rest of your family are in my thoughts.
BAC
BAC, thank you for your kind words. I would be glad for you and anyone else who would like to do so to repost or excerpt this piece with a link back here. I realize I wrote it as a continuation of my previous posts about Ken, so some added context may help. I hope sharing this story will at least make some readers re-evaluate their position.
[...] Equality Begins at Home [...]
[...] ban on gay marriage. I’m grinning so much I can barely type! This is a huge win, and I know my brother is smiling [...]